Are you sitting comfortably? Yes? Then let us begin.
Of first importance: this is a joint movie review by I, Lauren, *waves* and my friend, Lauren. Yes, we are both named Lauren. We just go see a lot of movies together, and somebody suggested that we just start telling people our opinions about it. The review is called Scarlet and Coffee, because she's a ginger (yay!), and I'm a brunette (yay...?). The Scarlet review will go first, and the Coffee review will come after, because my review is a bit spoilery.
The Scarlet Review:
"This weekend, I had the chance to see the new remake of the Mummy. I went in completely blind and unbiased, as I had not seen either of the original versions. I do really enjoy scary movies, but mummies have never really been my thing. However, the Mummy wasn't too bad.
I've never been a fan of Tom Cruise, and I've always thought his acting was sub-par, but I did love the aspect of a wickedly fierce female villain - aka, the Mummy. I don't want to give away too much of the story away, but be prepared for zombies, lots of sand storms, the occasional humor, and the awesomeness of Russell Crowe.
I can't say I'd see this movie again, but I CAN say that my favorite part of the movie was Jake Johnson, otherwise known as the guy who plays Nick Miller on New Girl. Nick is my spirit animal, so Jake was a huge perk for me when watching this movie. I give The Mummy a C- overall."
So there you have it, folks. Ginger Lauren is merciful, balanced, and kind.
I, however, will not be.
Here, There Be SPOILERS!!!
(Seriously, don't read mine if you want to see the movie)
How do you solve a problem like Tom Cruise? He's a bruise on this film (and in real life, but we'll talk about that another day). We've seen him in so many franchises and movies, that his appeal has slowly turned into a black hole. He's like Galactus, eating up plan...err...movies and turning them into space poo. (According to his Scientology buddies, that is.) He's just so big and overbearing, that he doesn't give the movie enough chance to breathe on its own! (Which is ironic, because it's a movie about the undead).
I wanna talk to the Mummy herself. Like, look, girlie, I know you want your little buddy Set to come into the real world (just like most fangirls), but I don't think Tom Cruise is the hot body you're looking for, sweetheart. He's pushing fifty five! You're...what? A twentysomething? This is not a dude you wanna spend the rest of your unlife, sweetheart. Try someone younger, like Benedict Cumberbatch or Dan Stevens.
In terms of villainy, Sofia Boutella stands well on her own. She kicks Tom Cruise's butt, in spite of having the hots for him. Buuuuuuut, while the media keeps telling everyone that she's sympathetic and a sad monster, I ain't buying it. Because mainly?
She. Kills. A. Baby.
No bueno, woman. No bueno. I can see why professional critics don't find too many of the characters in this movie to be sympathetic. The only characters I really like are Dr. Jekyll (bit of a jerk, but hey, his evil side is funny...just like mine), and Sgt. Veil, played by the New Girl actor that Ginger Lauren loves. As soon as this dude comes back from the dead, I'm like Yassssssss, American Werewolf in London! Cue the comedy! Except not! Except Veil kinda is evil while still being funny! And I'm confused! But that's okay! Because he's nice and funny! And I'm using too many exclamatory sentences! Don't get me wrong - the humor is great. It just needed...more.
But I digress. Because the best part was when Tom Cruise was not Tom Cruise! Like, when he wasn't good looking but actually looked ugly and scary, and had a beastly voice while screaming at Jenny to "wake up." (Gosh, what an alarm clock.) It was perfect, and started to get good. But....then Monster!Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise again and turns into William Shatner, as he tries....to control.....the beast! He's just a silly man hiding in the shadows; and if I were Jenny, I'd be like, "you really need to see a doctor, toots." Yeah, not working, homeboy.
Finally, we get to the end, where Tom Cruise is now a superhero (wait, what?) and resurrects Veil (Yay!). And then they set out on more adventures...because, that's what you do when you're not dead anymore? Go looking for more death? Yeah, me neither.
The End! (Or...un-end?)
The whole thing was confused and jumbled - like a drunk guy trying to play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey. Expect a bunch of fix-it-fanfics to pop up on fanfiction.net. Because while there were some good stuff, like Russell Crowe and ugly!Tom Cruise, it just didn't live up to the awesomeness of the trailers.
(I do kinda wanna be buddies with Veil. And Mr. Hyde.)
