Monday, July 24, 2017

The Tale of Two Ellas

Image result for ella enchanted              Image result for geekerella 

         So!  Today, I'll be reviewing two Cinderellas in one post.  Because that's how life worked out.  Cinderella is one of the hardest fairytales to retell, because it's been retold so many freakin' times.  As a result, it can be hard to churn out a good one, since there's such good books already.  Both books are a side of the same coin.

Ella Enchanted

         Ella Enchanted is written by the phenomenal Gail Carson Levine.  Her twist on Cinderella is that Ella (our Cinderella) has to literally obey every command someone gives her.  (That honestly makes a lot more sense from the get-go, because in the original, ol Cindy just stays.  She doesn't run off.  She just...stays.  And not a whole lot of reason is given behind that.)  
         Ella is in love with Prince Charmont (yay!), and struggles with what to do with that.  Because hey, if you could order her to rub her head and pat her tummy, then you can order her to chop off ol Charmy's head!  (Yay?)
        On top of that pickle, you have the usual characters: namely, the stepmother and stepsisters.  And they're deliciously evil.  I barely remember reading this book as a kid, because I would go white hot with rage every time the steps treated Ella badly.  Levine is that good of a writer.  That's my watermark - if a character makes you homicidal, and want to dive into the pages and straight up murder their butts, then that's good writing.  I call it the Levine test.
        Can I add that the cause of Ella's curse is - a fairy?  In the original Cinderella, Cinderella's problems are caused by people, and it takes a fairy to get her out of her mess.  Levine flips this upside down by having a fairy cause Ella's problems in the first place, and that it might take Ella herself, a human, to get herself out of this pickle.  Ella Enchanted has a theme of people doing big things without thinking about how it will affect others (for fairies, this is called big magic).  The consequences are usually pretty crappy.  However, people who do big things while also thinking about the possible consequences can bring about good consequences.  The book is really an exploration of how we treat others and life in general.  Life can be full of hardships, but so can it be full of joy.
         
Geekerella                

          Geekerella is a recent novel by Ashley Poston,  Her twist on Cinderella is that it is set in modern times (at the time of this writing), and is based on the much cherished art of fandom.  I really hate fandoms, because (not all) but too many people take nice things and pervert them.  And that's all I have to say 'bout that.  
            Anyway, Danielle (Elle) is the usual Cinderella, except her stepfamily is preppy, she works in a vegan foodmobile, and loves to cosplay.  She's also in love with someone she doesn't know is a totally famous actor.  All these elements are brilliant.  There's the whole thing about secret identities (especially in social media), the acceptable translation of a ball (comic convention!!!!); and making pumpkins acceptably useful (would you like pumpkin fritters with that?).  So Elle has to figure out how to get out from under her stepfamily's thumb, get over her father's death, and get the guy of her dreams.
            This could have worked out so well.
            But it didn't.
        The book relies waaaaaaaaay too much on other works.  Like, name-dropping actors and fandoms (which can actually work up to a point); talking about cosplay, etc.  But there needs to be more substance for the story to stand on its own.  Without that, the story just becomes another ho-hum Cinderella story.  That's like a hot-air balloon that sails along quite nicely - and then pops, mid-air.  The fact that political correctness bleeds everywhere doesn't really help, either.  You can write Millennial stuff without having to agree on every part of the unofficial Millenmial manifesto.
          I want to grab this book by the pages and tell it to "bee YOURSELF!!"  But I cannot do that.  Because it's a book, and wouldn't understand me.  The irony is not lost on me that the book is about being yourself; but the book then goes and fails to do that somehow.  Know what I mean, jellybeans?
        Writing a book isn't easy.  Getting good ideas isn't any easier.  Retelling a fairytale can be a btt.  But if you take the time and carefully mine everything you love about the original fairytale, then that helps to make it more meaningful, and not formulaic.  
         So I say to Ms. Poston - I think you can do better.

         Final Score:
         Ella Enchanted = Five stars.
         Geekerella = Two and a half.




Sunday, June 11, 2017

Scarlet and Coffee Movie Review - The Mummy (2017)

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/a2/The_Mummy_%282017%29.jpg




          Are you sitting comfortably?  Yes?  Then let us begin.

          Of first importance: this is a joint movie review by I, Lauren, *waves* and my friend, Lauren.  Yes, we are both named Lauren.  We just go see a lot of movies together, and somebody suggested that we just start telling people our opinions about it.  The review is called Scarlet and Coffee, because she's a ginger (yay!), and I'm a brunette (yay...?).  The Scarlet review will go first, and the Coffee review will come after, because my review is a bit spoilery.  

The Scarlet Review:

          "This weekend, I had the chance to see the new remake of the Mummy.  I went in completely blind and unbiased, as I had not seen either of the original versions.  I do really enjoy scary movies, but mummies have never really been my thing.  However, the Mummy wasn't too bad.   
          I've never been a fan of Tom Cruise, and I've always thought his acting was sub-par, but I did love the aspect of a wickedly fierce female villain - aka, the Mummy.  I don't want to give away too much of the story away, but be prepared for zombies, lots of sand storms, the occasional humor, and the awesomeness of Russell Crowe.  
          I can't say I'd see this movie again, but I CAN say that my favorite part of the movie was Jake Johnson, otherwise known as the guy who plays Nick Miller on New Girl.  Nick is my spirit animal, so Jake was a huge perk for me when watching this movie.  I give The Mummy a C- overall."

          So there you have it, folks.  Ginger Lauren is merciful, balanced, and kind.

          I, however, will not be.
Image result for the mummy 2017

Here, There Be SPOILERS!!!
(Seriously, don't read mine if you want to see the movie)
  
           How do you solve a problem like Tom Cruise?  He's a bruise on this film (and in real life, but we'll talk about that another day).  We've seen him in so many franchises and movies, that his appeal has slowly turned into a black hole.  He's like Galactus, eating up plan...err...movies and turning them into space poo.  (According to his Scientology buddies, that is.)  He's just so big and overbearing, that he doesn't give the movie enough chance to breathe on its own!  (Which is ironic, because it's a movie about the undead).

          I wanna talk to the Mummy herself.  Like, look, girlie, I know you want your little buddy Set to come into the real world (just like most fangirls), but I don't think Tom Cruise is the hot body you're looking for, sweetheart.  He's pushing fifty five!  You're...what?  A twentysomething?  This is not a dude you wanna spend the rest of your unlife, sweetheart.  Try someone younger, like Benedict Cumberbatch or Dan Stevens.

         In terms of villainy, Sofia Boutella stands well on her own.  She kicks Tom Cruise's butt, in spite of having the hots for him.  Buuuuuuut, while the media keeps telling everyone that she's sympathetic and a sad monster, I ain't buying it.  Because mainly?

        She.  Kills.  A.  Baby.

        No bueno, woman.  No bueno.  I can see why professional critics don't find too many of the characters in this movie to be sympathetic.  The only characters I really like are Dr. Jekyll (bit of a jerk, but hey, his evil side is funny...just like mine), and Sgt. Veil, played by the New Girl actor that Ginger Lauren loves.  As soon as this dude comes back from the dead, I'm like Yassssssss, American Werewolf in London!  Cue the comedy!  Except not!  Except Veil kinda is evil while still being funny!  And I'm confused!  But that's okay!  Because he's nice and funny!  And I'm using too many exclamatory sentences!  Don't get me wrong - the humor is great.  It just needed...more.

         But I digress.  Because the best part was when Tom Cruise was not Tom Cruise!  Like, when he wasn't good looking but actually looked ugly and scary, and had a beastly voice while screaming at Jenny to "wake up."  (Gosh, what an alarm clock.)  It was perfect, and started to get good.  But....then Monster!Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise again and turns into William Shatner, as he tries....to control.....the beast!  He's just a silly man hiding in the shadows; and if I were Jenny, I'd be like, "you really need to see a doctor, toots."  Yeah, not working, homeboy.

         Finally, we get to the end, where Tom Cruise is now a superhero (wait, what?) and resurrects Veil (Yay!).  And then they set out on more adventures...because, that's what you do when you're not dead anymore?  Go looking for more death?  Yeah, me neither.

        The End!  (Or...un-end?) 

        The whole thing was confused and jumbled - like a drunk guy trying to play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.  Expect a bunch of fix-it-fanfics to pop up on fanfiction.net.  Because while there were some good stuff, like Russell Crowe and ugly!Tom Cruise, it just didn't live up to the awesomeness of the trailers.

        (I do kinda wanna be buddies with Veil.  And Mr. Hyde.)

Monday, May 22, 2017

Review: The Bear and the Nightingale by Katherine Arden

  *snorts awake*  What?  What'd I miss?  Oh.  Two Monday reviews, that's what!

   Ahem.

    The Bear and the Nightingale by Katherine Arden
    Publisher:  Del Ray
    Publication Date:  January 10, 2017
    Source:  Kindle book

Image result for the bear and the nightingale 


Summary from Goodreads:

 "At the edge of the Russian wilderness, winter lasts most of the year and the snowdrifts grow taller than houses. But Vasilisa doesn’t mind—she spends the winter nights huddled around the embers of a fire with her beloved siblings, listening to her nurse’s fairy tales. Above all, she loves the chilling story of Frost, the blue-eyed winter demon, who appears in the frigid night to claim unwary souls. Wise Russians fear him, her nurse says, and honor the spirits of house and yard and forest that protect their homes from evil.

After Vasilisa’s mother dies, her father goes to Moscow and brings home a new wife. Fiercely devout, city-bred, Vasilisa’s new stepmother forbids her family from honoring the household spirits. The family acquiesces, but Vasilisa is frightened, sensing that more hinges upon their rituals than anyone knows.

And indeed, crops begin to fail, evil creatures of the forest creep nearer, and misfortune stalks the village. All the while, Vasilisa’s stepmother grows ever harsher in her determination to groom her rebellious stepdaughter for either marriage or confinement in a convent.

As danger circles, Vasilisa must defy even the people she loves and call on dangerous gifts she has long concealed—this, in order to protect her family from a threat that seems to have stepped from her nurse’s most frightening tales"

What I think it's about:

     A lady who really doesn't like Christianity, frankly.  And loves weird, twisted plots and not bothering to tell us what the heck is going on.

The Good:  BEAUTIFUL language and description.  Hands down.  Can't be beat.

The Bad:  Somebody doesn't like Jesus, folks.  Christianity and its followers are depicted as hypocrites and self-seeking Pharisees.  What else is new?  Give me a more rounded villain, at least!  One who follows Christianity, but has veered off the path, and then finds redemption.  Like Eustace Scrubb, sort of.  I dunno, I guess I like C.S. Lewis too dang much.  It's the writing, people!

The Ugly:  Err, references to unwarranted sexy time, virginity being a bad thing, and the whole fuzziness about demon worship.  The author kind of blends the lines of pure mythology and Christian belief about demons, and leaves the reader confused as to what's good and what's not.  God's (Highlight for SPOILER) a bad guy and another demon.

Summary:  ⭑⭑

Monday, May 1, 2017

Mini Review: The Tales of Beedle the Bard by J.K. Rowling

The Tales of Beedle the Bard by J.K. RowlingPublisher:  Bloomsbury
Publication Date:  December 4th, 2008
Source:  Hardcover and straight from the friendly neighborhood bookstore!*

The Tales of Beedle the Bard


 What it's about:

     "The Tales of Beedle the Bard, a Wizarding classic, first came to Muggle readers’ attention in the book known as Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Now, thanks to Hermione Granger’s new translation from the ancient runes, we present this stunning edition with an introduction, notes, and illustrations by J. K. Rowling, and extensive commentary by Albus Dumbledore.

     Never before have Muggles been privy to these richly imaginative tales: “The Wizard and the Hopping Pot,” “The Fountain of Fair Fortune,” “The Warlock’s Hairy Heart,” “Babbitty Rabbitty and Her Cackling Stump,” and of course, “The Tale of the Three Brothers.” But not only are they the equal of fairy tales we now know and love, reading them gives new insight into the world of Harry Potter."  (Goodreads)

 The Good:  Hey, it's J.K. Rowling.  What's not to love?  But to be serious for a moment, she does write fairytales in a believable, HCA and Brothers Grimm style.  It has a fresh quality to it, even though it goes through timeless morals (at least, let's hope those morals are timeless by the time jetpacks are invented). 

Girl's got skillz.
  
The Bad:  Nothing I could see.

The Ugly:  Nope.  Nada.  Unless you're totally into creating horcruxes.  It's bad for you.

 Summation:  ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐


    Now, to business.  I have plans for this blog, including giveaways and a special award that involves cats and charities. 

    But.

    I NEED your FEEDBACK.  Leave suggestions for books (maybe I'll make some polls), or talk about what YOU liked about one of the books reviewed on here.  And if we all play our cards right, the book fairy will make appearances.

    Cool beans? 

     Just picture a plate of buttered green beans and give a digital thumbs up.

     Ya did good.  Byeeeeeeeeeeee.**







*Actually, not so much.  The prices are NOT friendly.
**Random note: currently listening to the My Favorite Murder podcast.  Aside from pottymouths, two ladies tastefully talk about true crime and chick stuff.  Give it an ear.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Review: Odd and the Frost Giants by Neil Gaiman

    Odd and the Frost Giants by Neil Gaiman
    Publisher:  HarperCollins
    Publication Date:  September 22nd, 2009
    Source:  Kindle book
   

New Mouth, New Rules

    So.
    (I like starting out stories with that word, because that's how some translations of Beowulf start out.)
    So.  I realized several things:
    1.  I have a BA in English, and my house is Ravenclaw, so why am I not reviewing books?  This blog is the answer.
    2.  I work in a book warehouse.  A.  Book.  Warehouse.  Do you have any idea how long it occurred to me to stop wangsting about my low-brow job and realize I see different books everyday?  That I could review????  Someone smack me, please.
     3.  I gotta write.  I was trained to write.  And everything keeps coming anew.  Like the Eleventh Doctor said in the Eleventh Hour: new mouth, new rules.  And honey, do I have a sassy voice.  Can't keep it to Facebook.  Amen?
      4.  A blog is a project.  And I loooooooooooooooove projects.

    So.  First review comes up within two hours.  And my squirrely mind is coming up with all sorts of delights and treats for everyone.  Stay Tuned!

Book Reviews!

That's right!  In honor of Shakespeare and world book day and Emma Watson, I'm going to be posting reviews of my favorite (and maybe not-so-favorite) books.  Deets to come, with some fun!