Scarlet and Coffee Movie Review - The Mummy (2017)

          Are you sitting comfortably?  Yes?  Then let us begin.

          Of first importance: this is a joint movie review by I, Lauren, *waves* and my friend, Lauren.  Yes, we are both named Lauren.  We just go see a lot of movies together, and somebody suggested that we just start telling people our opinions about it.  The review is called Scarlet and Coffee, because she's a ginger (yay!), and I'm a brunette (yay...?).  The Scarlet review will go first, and the Coffee review will come after, because my review is a bit spoilery.  

The Scarlet Review:

          "This weekend, I had the chance to see the new remake of the Mummy.  I went in completely blind and unbiased, as I had not seen either of the original versions.  I do really enjoy scary movies, but mummies have never really been my thing.  However, the Mummy wasn't too bad.   

          I've never been a fan of Tom Cruise, and I've always thought his acting was sub-par, but I did love the aspect of a wickedly fierce female villain - aka, the Mummy.  I don't want to give away too much of the story away, but be prepared for zombies, lots of sand storms, the occasional humor, and the awesomeness of Russell Crowe.  

          I can't say I'd see this movie again, but I CAN say that my favorite part of the movie was Jake Johnson, otherwise known as the guy who plays Nick Miller on New Girl.  Nick is my spirit animal, so Jake was a huge perk for me when watching this movie.  I give The Mummy a C- overall."

          So there you have it, folks.  Ginger Lauren is merciful, balanced, and kind.

          I, however, will not be.

Here, There Be SPOILERS!!!

(Seriously, don't read mine if you want to see the movie)

  

           How do you solve a problem like Tom Cruise?  He's a bruise on this film (and in real life, but we'll talk about that another day).  We've seen him in so many franchises and movies, that his appeal has slowly turned into a black hole.  He's like Galactus, eating up plan...err...movies and turning them into space poo.  (According to his Scientology buddies, that is.)  He's just so big and overbearing, that he doesn't give the movie enough chance to breathe on its own!  (Which is ironic, because it's a movie about the undead).

          I wanna talk to the Mummy herself.  Like, look, girlie, I know you want your little buddy Set to come into the real world (just like most fangirls), but I don't think Tom Cruise is the hot body you're looking for, sweetheart.  He's pushing fifty five!  You're...what?  A twentysomething?  This is not a dude you wanna spend the rest of your unlife, sweetheart.  Try someone younger, like Benedict Cumberbatch or Dan Stevens.

         In terms of villainy, Sofia Boutella stands well on her own.  She kicks Tom Cruise's butt, in spite of having the hots for him.  Buuuuuuut, while the media keeps telling everyone that she's sympathetic and a sad monster, I ain't buying it.  Because mainly?

        She.  Kills.  A.  Baby.

        No bueno, woman.  No bueno.  I can see why professional critics don't find too many of the characters in this movie to be sympathetic.  The only characters I really like are Dr. Jekyll (bit of a jerk, but hey, his evil side is funny...just like mine), and Sgt. Veil, played by the New Girl actor that Ginger Lauren loves.  As soon as this dude comes back from the dead, I'm like Yassssssss, American Werewolf in London!  Cue the comedy!  Except not!  Except Veil kinda is evil while still being funny!  And I'm confused!  But that's okay!  Because he's nice and funny!  And I'm using too many exclamatory sentences!  Don't get me wrong - the humor is great.  It just needed...more.

         But I digress.  Because the best part was when Tom Cruise was not Tom Cruise!  Like, when he wasn't good looking but actually looked ugly and scary, and had a beastly voice while screaming at Jenny to "wake up."  (Gosh, what an alarm clock.)  It was perfect, and started to get good.  But....then Monster!Tom Cruise is Tom Cruise again and turns into William Shatner, as he tries....to control.....the beast!  He's just a silly man hiding in the shadows; and if I were Jenny, I'd be like, "you really need to see a doctor, toots."  Yeah, not working, homeboy.

         Finally, we get to the end, where Tom Cruise is now a superhero (wait, what?) and resurrects Veil (Yay!).  And then they set out on more adventures...because, that's what you do when you're not dead anymore?  Go looking for more death?  Yeah, me neither.

        The End!  (Or...un-end?) 

        The whole thing was confused and jumbled - like a drunk guy trying to play pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.  Expect a bunch of fix-it-fanfics to pop up on fanfiction.net.  Because while there were some good stuff, like Russell Crowe and ugly!Tom Cruise, it just didn't live up to the awesomeness of the trailers.

        (I do kinda wanna be buddies with Veil.  And Mr. Hyde.)

Review: The Bear and the Nightingale by Katherine Arden

  *snorts awake*  What?  What'd I miss?  Oh.  Two Monday reviews, that's what!

   Ahem.

    The Bear and the Nightingale by Katherine Arden
    Publisher:  Del Ray
    Publication Date:  January 10, 2017
    Source:  Kindle book

 

Summary from Goodreads:

 "At the edge of the Russian wilderness, winter lasts most of the year and the snowdrifts grow taller than houses. But Vasilisa doesn’t mind—she spends the winter nights huddled around the embers of a fire with her beloved siblings, listening to her nurse’s fairy tales. Above all, she loves the chilling story of Frost, the blue-eyed winter demon, who appears in the frigid night to claim unwary souls. Wise Russians fear him, her nurse says, and honor the spirits of house and yard and forest that protect their homes from evil.

After Vasilisa’s mother dies, her father goes to Moscow and brings home a new wife. Fiercely devout, city-bred, Vasilisa’s new stepmother forbids her family from honoring the household spirits. The family acquiesces, but Vasilisa is frightened, sensing that more hinges upon their rituals than anyone knows.

And indeed, crops begin to fail, evil creatures of the forest creep nearer, and misfortune stalks the village. All the while, Vasilisa’s stepmother grows ever harsher in her determination to groom her rebellious stepdaughter for either marriage or confinement in a convent.

As danger circles, Vasilisa must defy even the people she loves and call on dangerous gifts she has long concealed—this, in order to protect her family from a threat that seems to have stepped from her nurse’s most frightening tales"

What I think it's about:

     A lady who really doesn't like Christianity, frankly.  And loves weird, twisted plots and not bothering to tell us what the heck is going on.

The Good:  BEAUTIFUL language and description.  Hands down.  Can't be beat.

The Bad:  Somebody doesn't like Jesus, folks.  Christianity and its followers are depicted as hypocrites and self-seeking Pharisees.  What else is new?  Give me a more rounded villain, at least!  One who follows Christianity, but has veered off the path, and then finds redemption.  Like Eustace Scrubb, sort of.  I dunno, I guess I like C.S. Lewis too dang much.  It's the writing, people!

The Ugly:  Err, references to unwarranted sexy time, virginity being a bad thing, and the whole fuzziness about demon worship.  The author kind of blends the lines of pure mythology and Christian belief about demons, and leaves the reader confused as to what's good and what's not.  God's (Highlight for SPOILER) a bad guy and another demon.

Summary:  ⭑⭑

Mini Review: The Tales of Beedle the Bard by J.K. Rowling

The Tales of Beedle the Bard by J.K. RowlingPublisher:  Bloomsbury
Publication Date:  December 4th, 2008
Source:  Hardcover and straight from the friendly neighborhood bookstore!*

 What it's about:

     "The Tales of Beedle the Bard, a Wizarding classic, first came to Muggle readers’ attention in the book known as Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Now, thanks to Hermione Granger’s new translation from the ancient runes, we present this stunning edition with an introduction, notes, and illustrations by J. K. Rowling, and extensive commentary by Albus Dumbledore.

     Never before have Muggles been privy to these richly imaginative tales: “The Wizard and the Hopping Pot,” “The Fountain of Fair Fortune,” “The Warlock’s Hairy Heart,” “Babbitty Rabbitty and Her Cackling Stump,” and of course, “The Tale of the Three Brothers.” But not only are they the equal of fairy tales we now know and love, reading them gives new insight into the world of Harry Potter."  (Goodreads)

 The Good:  Hey, it's J.K. Rowling.  What's not to love?  But to be serious for a moment, she does write fairytales in a believable, HCA and Brothers Grimm style.  It has a fresh quality to it, even though it goes through timeless morals (at least, let's hope those morals are timeless by the time jetpacks are invented). 

Girl's got skillz.
  
The Bad:  Nothing I could see.

The Ugly:  Nope.  Nada.  Unless you're totally into creating horcruxes.  It's bad for you.

 Summation:  ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐


    Now, to business.  I have plans for this blog, including giveaways and a special award that involves cats and charities. 

    But.

    I NEED your FEEDBACK.  Leave suggestions for books (maybe I'll make some polls), or talk about what YOU liked about one of the books reviewed on here.  And if we all play our cards right, the book fairy will make appearances.

    Cool beans? 

     Just picture a plate of buttered green beans and give a digital thumbs up.

     Ya did good.  Byeeeeeeeeeeee.**







*Actually, not so much.  The prices are NOT friendly.
**Random note: currently listening to the My Favorite Murder podcast.  Aside from pottymouths, two ladies tastefully talk about true crime and chick stuff.  Give it an ear.

Review: Odd and the Frost Giants by Neil Gaiman

    Odd and the Frost Giants by Neil Gaiman
    Publisher:  HarperCollins
    Publication Date:  September 22nd, 2009
    Source:  Kindle book
   

New Mouth, New Rules

    So.

    (I like starting out stories with that word, because that's how some translations of Beowulf start out.)

    So.  I realized several things:

    1.  I have a BA in English, and my house is Ravenclaw, so why am I not reviewing books?  This blog is the answer.

    2.  I work in a book warehouse.  A.  Book.  Warehouse.  Do you have any idea how long it occurred to me to stop wangsting about my low-brow job and realize I see different books everyday?  That I could review????  Someone smack me, please.

     3.  I gotta write.  I was trained to write.  And everything keeps coming anew.  Like the Eleventh Doctor said in the Eleventh Hour: new mouth, new rules.  And honey, do I have a sassy voice.  Can't keep it to Facebook.  Amen?

      4.  A blog is a project.  And I loooooooooooooooove projects.

    So.  First review comes up within two hours.  And my squirrely mind is coming up with all sorts of delights and treats for everyone.  Stay Tuned!

Book Reviews!

That's right!  In honor of Shakespeare and world book day and Emma Watson, I'm going to be posting reviews of my favorite (and maybe not-so-favorite) books.  Deets to come, with some fun!

New Year - New Challenges

It's the New Year!

via GIPHY

      I am trying to write while my near-25 pound-cat Alfred has draped himself over my lap.  (It is not fun to have that much weight stand on your thigh, believe me!)  There are so many things to do for the New Year.  I have a crap-ton of books to read, and I may review one or two.  It's pretty nice, because I'm working at Penguin-Random House, and thus am able to see all the new and interesting books that are being shipped out to the country and Canada.  These will include graphic novels, because there's no sense in boys having all the fun in reviewing such.  

      It's the usual time for making resolutions, only one of which I have accomplished from last year (getting a job).  I try to take it easy, because thinking you can change all by yourself is just as bad as thinking you don't need to change (just sayin').  But one resolution that I hope to do better with this year is to stop saying "sorry."

      Alfred just gave me an annoyed look - I stopped petting him. 

      I say sorry to the point that I've joked to others that I should have been Canadian (apologies to those fine consumers of bacon and maple syrup).  I say sorry if I fear someone's mad at me.  I say sorry with my actions when I'm trying to please people in the hopes that they like me.  While I've always been very self-conscious of my errors (having tattled on myself countless times when I was a kid), there's the typical OCD, and then there's the legalism.  Sovereign Grace Ministries lied to me, telling me, "Yes, God saved you, but you're a horrible, wretched sinner who needs Him everyday and must know x amount of Bible verses and constantly strive to do better."  That basically, I put Christ on the cross, and that I need to make it up to Him however and whenever I can.

      And I can't do that!

via GIPHY

      I struggle to not feel bad over every mistake or flaw I make.  And yet, I echo the cry of one SGM survivor: I'm a saint, not a sinner!  (Ettinger)  

     So, for this year, I am trying to branch out in theology and life.  I've traded John Piper for Jen Hatmaker; Mahaney for Miller (Donald, not the beer - although that would be an interesting title for a book); and Sovereign "Grace" for sovereign love.  I don't claim to know everything, nor do I agree with everything expressed by everyone on the evangelical spectrum (I'm looking at you, Rachel Held Evans).  I'm just trying to make my heart a better place (with apologies to Daredevil).  

 

via GIPHY

     And that starts with reading the book, For the Love: Fighting for Grace in a World of Impossible Standards.

 Works Cited:

Ettinger, Hannah.  "Growing Up in SGM."  Rachel Held Evans.  Dan Evans.  June 27, 2013.